Jennifer Bate
2 February 2015
Love, is an achievement. Those who graduate from college, win the super bowl, or lose 50 pounds, don’t say “oh, it just happened” they say “it was worth the time and effort.” Love requires the same. Many times people search to find their “match” and then give up trying once they are married, because they haven’t learned that love is work! It’s the constant devotion, compassion, patience and showing of your dedication. Although some people may easily click with one another, we must remember, that it doesn't end there. Love isn't something you just happen upon by chance, it’s something you work towards. One thing that we all have in common, is the need and desire to be loved. Those searching for it among the stars, will be sorely disappointed when destiny doesn't show up. Those who look straight forward into the faces of those who surround them and consciously make the decision to create a relationship, just might be surprised how naturally it can come.
Love isn't something to be found. Many believe there is only one person out there meant for them. Hence the terms: soul mate, match, or other half. If there were 20 people living on this earth, I could agree with that. However, there are billions of people on this earth, and finding one in a billion, is reaching for the stars. What if your true love was born across the world? It might take you forever to find them, and your whole life would be deprived of love up until that time. Death is also a fact of life, and unfortunately many people are left alone when their loved one dies. Assuming that we only have one person that is right for us, how sad to think that they should now have to be alone for the rest of their life! What if they were young and just married? It doesn't make sense that there would only be one person on earth meant for you! Those that loved once with all of their heart, but later loved another, can do so, because we can learn to love! I believe you could look into a crowd, and find several people with whom you could build a relationship and develop a love meant for the Gods.
Looking for “the one” is unrealistic. The goal is to look for “one,” one that will make you happy, one that will love you through thick and thin, one you can devote yourself to, and grow together through time and all eternity. Notice that all of those things aren't easy. Loving someone through thick and thin, isn't always a stroll in the park, it takes sacrifice. Devoting yourself to someone, means being there for them, and supporting them in all they do. Growing together takes patience and understanding. Of course mutual attraction is another important component, but once you have established that, learn to love them and enjoy your time together.
In the Mormon culture, I see people confuse destiny with the power of God. Some believe that we have a match that was designed in heaven, and it is our mission on earth to find that person, through guidance and confirmation by the Holy Spirit. And to even take it further, there are those who believe that it is God’s choice. They are waiting for God to tell them who to marry and fully expect to live happily ever after; because of course, it was designed by God. I believe this way of thinking to be dangerous because it takes the responsibility out of our own hands and places it in the hands of God. Our purpose here in this life, is to learn to use our own agency. Many people find themselves well into adulthood without having found a partner, all the while waiting for the Lord to deliver that person to them on a silver platter or “in a dream.” I believe that God loves us and cares about our lives; and as a loving parent will warn us if we are about to make a big mistake. However, I do not believe God will ever tell us who to marry.
God sent us here on earth to make our own choices. By giving us free agency, he has allowed us to choose for ourselves who we place in our lives. Imagine for a moment that you prayed to God, and he told you who to marry. What if you weren't happy? If the relationship didn't work, the blame would be on God. Of course it would, he told you to marry them. And furthermore, if he told you to marry someone who wasn't right for you, then you are left to assume that God doesn't love you, and doesn't care about your happiness. Therefore, it is unreasonable to think that God is responsible for every person’s marital choice, and their future happiness. It is up to us!
Some of our duties and responsibilities on this earth are to learn to interact with other people, develop relationships, learn to love and serve, and ultimately receive the gift of charity. According to Elder Neal A. Maxwell: "The affection and thoughtfulness required in the home are no abstract exercises in love, no mere rhetoric concerning some distant human cause. Family life is an encounter with raw selfishness, with the need for civility, of taking turns, of being hurt and yet forgiving, and of being at the mercy of others' moods. Family life is a constant challenge, not a periodic performance we can render on a stage and then run for the privacy of a dressing room to be alone with ourselves. The home gives us our greatest chance, however, to align our public and private behavior, to reduce the hypocrisy in our lives—to be more congruent with Christ" (That My Family Should Partake [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1974], p. 3). The Lord has made it clear that we need to receive the gift of charity which is stated in Moroni 7:45 “and charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, beliveth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.” Both of these examples sound like a lot of hard work to me. Similarly, love - even romantic love requires the same type of work. It is not simply “falling for someone” but rather investing to create a good relationship with someone you desire, and learning to deal with those everyday interactions, which are sometimes taxing.
In the 1994 movie Only You, a young woman named Faith, is told by a fortune teller that her future husband would be named Damon Bradley. Later in her life, in the midst of an elaborate excursion to find her soul mate, she falls in love with a man named Peter, who does absolutely everything in his power to keep her love. Blinded by the idea of fate, she can’t be with him because his name isn't Damon Bradley; she could never settle for someone knowing that her true love – her “soul mate,” was out there somewhere! Peter states with perfect rationale “This guy, by the way, could be the biggest loser who ever walked the face of the earth. He could be a grump, a jerk, a pervert, a cynic, a man who's mind is infested with dark thoughts, he could be a criminal... he could be... truly sick… I can't believe you're gonna let a few little letters of the alphabet keep us apart. It is a detail! Just - look, just call me Damon, okay? It'll be like a nickname.” If we wait around to find our “true love” we might pass by someone whom we could be perfectly happy with! Faith almost lost her love because she was blinded by the idea of destiny! As she was leaving him he yelled “why can’t you just accept the fact that I would do anything to keep us together?” The fact is – love isn't something that you find it is something that you make, and luckily for Faith, Peter, understood this concept, and with much difficulty made it happen. Despite the fact that he wasn't her “destiny.”
My goal in writing this is to persuade you to broaden your perspective and stop trying to find a needle in a haystack, instead understand that you can love many people, it just requires a lot of time and investment! Don’t wait to be acted upon by destiny, and don’t wait for God to tell you who to marry; make your own choice and work to develop a wonderful relationship! Your happiness is up to you! If two people are compatible, and are each willing to earn the others love, there can be success. As was described perfectly in Dan in Real Life “love isn't a feeling, it’s an ability.”
Works Cited
Only You. Perf. Marisa Tomei, Robert Downy Jr. TriStar Pictures, Fried/Woods Films, Yorktown Productions, 1994. DVD.
Dan in Real Life. Perf. Steve Carell, Juliette Binoche. Touchstone Pictures, Focus Features, 2007. DVD.
Smith, Joseph. "Alma Chapter 34." The Book of Mormon: An Account Written by the Hand of Mormon upon Plates Taken from the Plates of Nephi. 34: 27-28. Alma. Salt Lake City, Utah: Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1981. 294-295.
That My Family Should Partake [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1974], p. 3).
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